Black Diamond Self-Talk

Sunday, August 16, 2009


Since I was very young, I recall visualizing thoughts being planted, like seeds thrown over a wall to the other side. To complete the picture, however, I also experienced thoughts being returned, more like a tennis ball, over a net. Unlike tennis, however, the balls sent over the net (to the subconscious), don't come back, for a time, but seem to allow many more to be sent over, before a new creation is returned. It's not clear that these pictures were entirely about the subconscious, but may actually have been influenced by Infinite Intelligence as well. I also discovered that thoughts planted at night and first thing in the morning, somehow, had more significance. Similarly, those planted, at the end of focused activity, like work on Friday, may lie buried, until dug up, with effort, at the resumption of the activity, like work on Monday. Often my weekends were spent, free from cares, dedicated to anything but work; the rest and refreshment we all need, but rather than being balanced throughout, were binged and squandered.
As I evolved, I found myself desiring a better continuity, from the Friday burial, to the Monday rediscovery, and that forced me to become more of a workaholic, focused on the next thing, over-scheduled, overworked, and under-refreshed. Pride heralded "super man!", but the tangle was building, becoming a strangling weight. It then took greater effort to find ways to rest and refresh.
At each different stage, I found myself planting specific thoughts, but, in retrospect, find that I neglected the weeding. My garden became overgrown, and an under-brush of tangled wannabe trees strangled by all manner of undesirable growth.
I ended up in a mode of auto-pilot; doing what had to be done, rationalizing detours of flight as needed breaks.
Then a wake up call. I slid my car, on black (clear roadway) ice, into a telephone pole. Thankfully I was the only one in the car. I awoke to find myself in the hospital, for the next 30 days, and then, for 7 more months, at home, recovering. This forced me to spend time with myself, like I had never found the time to do before. I began a self-guided mental-cleanse then, but the overgrowth was too deep and tangled. I found myself back on the wheel once more.
Another wake up call. Slowly being strangled by an out of control addiction, headed for certain death, I was again shaken awake. This time, with outside help and guidance, I slowly began actually clearing the unwanted growths in my garden. Calling out to the Infinite Intelligence, I was able to focus on those things I am grateful for in my life. This became my first daily auto-suggestion list. This list has also evolved, over time, but remains the foundation of the garden-clearing upon which the tallest, strongest and forever expanding new growth flourishes.

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